Friday, May 29, 2015

4 years up!

Dear Chintu,
Ok heads up - this is going to be one helluva short post,compared to Year 1 or Year 2  or Year 3 since I am sitting at work and blogging :D You may wonder if I am doing this annual posting as a ritual or a compulsion.. but the fact is I know I am a weird person who doesn't express my emotions. I rarely surprise you, I rarely make you feel special and I can't remember the last time I told you "I love you". I just do this because I want you to know there are some things that I really value and appreciate in you. And what better day to do that than our anniversary :) While I may not say it in as many words, I still love you to pieces and will continue to do so!
If there's one thing I really need in my relationship, it is space. And you give me so much of it! I make plans with colleagues, I make last minute party plans with my friends, I disappear for an entire day with my family (a jamboree as you call it)!. Although, you hate every minute of it, I don't leave you with too much choice. Like Yercaud for instance. You really didn't want me to go. But the stubborn me fought and still had my way. You just stayed at home, supervised the cook, the housekeeping and spent the weekend playing PS3. I'm really not sure how many husbands out there do that! Of course you sulked for a good 10 days after that, but I know I can make it up to you ;-) I know I am crazy but I just want to let you know how much I appreciate you giving my space and letting me breathe. Thanks!!
I absolutely loved our trips this year too - Kumbakonam was fantastic, Yercaud and Trichy were super relaxing especially in our new Vento baby.. but of course my favorite has to be Turkey... Istanbul was a dream destination and a place I really enjoyed visiting. Not once did you scrimp or crib about how much we spent on eating at those fancy places or shopping at the Grand Bazaar. A big thank you!!
Next up my work - Argh. I know you absolutely hate it. I know you've made it clear you want me to quit. Again my stubbornness comes into play. Gosh I really don't know how you deal with it. There are so many days when I just leave you to yourself... I just text you about dinner, where it is kept etc and I just continue working. So many men in my office are amazed at how you put up with this but I just shrug it off.. Honestly, not much I can do. But I solemnly swear to make more time for you this year.. I promise you I won't unnecessarily stay back or take calls really late or check emails in the middle of the night! Again, thanks for putting up with this nonsense!!
Of course all these seem small when compared to how well you took care of me when I was really sick in May. You know what I am referring to. And believe me, I was amazed. I always knew you are caring but that was mind blowing. I saw a very different side of you and it just moves me to tears every time I think of it. How incredibly lucky am I? Ok I shall stop the mush now.
But you get the drift right? ;-) I love you and I will always be thankful to have you around not just as a husband but as a friend - my BFF! :D
Leaving you with one of the cutest selfies of us, taken this year - pic taken outside a pretty church in Izmir.
Happy 4th anniversary, Chintu!

Saturday, May 16, 2015

Speaking my heart out

There are days(actually plenty of them!) where I feel like I don't know my husband at all. I mean, I don't understand him or his behavior patterns. Long before we were to be married, K always used to tell me that he wasn't sure if our marriage would work out given our extremely different personalities, interests etc. He often used to tell me this line "I'm a very difficult person to live with, I'm not sure if you will be able to handle me. I suggest you rethink this entire idea of getting married to me".
Almost 4 years later, I'm sitting here thinking how true this is. Not the rethinking part. But the part about me not being able to handle him. I swear there are days when I feel he is a complete stranger. I was talking to M, my bestie and she said that there was a possibility of me not offering him "companionship". I think what she meant was he wasn't sure if talking to me would make him feel better on those days when he was upset. But my point is out of the 365 days, he will be grumpy on 360 of them - the exceptions being our birthdays, our anniversary and maybe 1 or 2 other days. I'm perfectly serious.
I really don't understand how to put up with such an unhappy person. Best part is I don't know why he is unhappy or upset. And that probably makes me sound like a horrible wife. But in my defense, the guy has never opened up to me or talked his heart out. He has very few friends whom he hangs out with and he probably uses that time to speak. I know he has been extremely upset with my work timings. I come home late. Very late on certain days. I'm doing my absolute best to balance it out. But there are bad days at work too. Where I've to literally wait until my bosses come, talk to them, sort issues out and then head home to a grumpy person. Not like when I come home early, he makes any conversation. Nope. He has never been a conversationalist. We just read or watch tv, have dinner and sleep early. Now I probably make us sound like we are the most boring couple on planet earth. It is a possibility; however, we do take breaks whenever possible. And that's one thing we both enjoy. We recently drove to Yercaud, it was so calming and stress free. We had a wonderful holiday. So we do have our good days; but as I mentioned earlier, it is 5 to 10 days in a year.
All these years, I've not reacted. Whenever we fight, it is mostly I who makes up. I don't know why. He throws that kind of guilt at me. He makes me feel like every single thing that I do is a mistake. He sulks so much, throws tantrums. Yet I've been so patient. I've accepted him for the kind of person he is. I've still managed to keep going, despite him being extremely difficult and unreasonable. But tonight, I am so miserable. I don't think I can go on like this. I can understand if a person has a genuine reason to be pissed. But I'm miserable because I don't know what mistake I have done for him to be pissed. Looks like in our case, there's no need of a reason. We are just that kinda couple. Call us incompatible or imperfect or boring or mismatched. I'm in no mood to make up or try and reason out with him. I want to see how long he can go on this way. If he is perfectly capable of being this way - where we don't even acknowledge each others' presence, where we don't speak a word and mostly converse via email or texts, then I'm also capable of ignoring him and his annoying behavior. In short, I'm going to rebel! A perfect anniversary month! Phew.