Saturday, May 16, 2015

Speaking my heart out

There are days(actually plenty of them!) where I feel like I don't know my husband at all. I mean, I don't understand him or his behavior patterns. Long before we were to be married, K always used to tell me that he wasn't sure if our marriage would work out given our extremely different personalities, interests etc. He often used to tell me this line "I'm a very difficult person to live with, I'm not sure if you will be able to handle me. I suggest you rethink this entire idea of getting married to me".
Almost 4 years later, I'm sitting here thinking how true this is. Not the rethinking part. But the part about me not being able to handle him. I swear there are days when I feel he is a complete stranger. I was talking to M, my bestie and she said that there was a possibility of me not offering him "companionship". I think what she meant was he wasn't sure if talking to me would make him feel better on those days when he was upset. But my point is out of the 365 days, he will be grumpy on 360 of them - the exceptions being our birthdays, our anniversary and maybe 1 or 2 other days. I'm perfectly serious.
I really don't understand how to put up with such an unhappy person. Best part is I don't know why he is unhappy or upset. And that probably makes me sound like a horrible wife. But in my defense, the guy has never opened up to me or talked his heart out. He has very few friends whom he hangs out with and he probably uses that time to speak. I know he has been extremely upset with my work timings. I come home late. Very late on certain days. I'm doing my absolute best to balance it out. But there are bad days at work too. Where I've to literally wait until my bosses come, talk to them, sort issues out and then head home to a grumpy person. Not like when I come home early, he makes any conversation. Nope. He has never been a conversationalist. We just read or watch tv, have dinner and sleep early. Now I probably make us sound like we are the most boring couple on planet earth. It is a possibility; however, we do take breaks whenever possible. And that's one thing we both enjoy. We recently drove to Yercaud, it was so calming and stress free. We had a wonderful holiday. So we do have our good days; but as I mentioned earlier, it is 5 to 10 days in a year.
All these years, I've not reacted. Whenever we fight, it is mostly I who makes up. I don't know why. He throws that kind of guilt at me. He makes me feel like every single thing that I do is a mistake. He sulks so much, throws tantrums. Yet I've been so patient. I've accepted him for the kind of person he is. I've still managed to keep going, despite him being extremely difficult and unreasonable. But tonight, I am so miserable. I don't think I can go on like this. I can understand if a person has a genuine reason to be pissed. But I'm miserable because I don't know what mistake I have done for him to be pissed. Looks like in our case, there's no need of a reason. We are just that kinda couple. Call us incompatible or imperfect or boring or mismatched. I'm in no mood to make up or try and reason out with him. I want to see how long he can go on this way. If he is perfectly capable of being this way - where we don't even acknowledge each others' presence, where we don't speak a word and mostly converse via email or texts, then I'm also capable of ignoring him and his annoying behavior. In short, I'm going to rebel! A perfect anniversary month! Phew.