Tuesday, June 8, 2010

Warning: Extremely emotional and straight from the heart!! Read at your own risk!!

I’m sitting all by myself tonight. There’s music playing in my laptop. I think I might get pasta for dinner. It’s cold as hell in here. I’m all cuddled up in my throw. Get the picture? Feels like I’m reliving my K.C life, all over again. Only difference is I’m in Pune and I love love love this feeling of being alone after a long time! :)

This has been a very interesting month – I started working, again and honestly, that has helped me keep a check on my sanity. I’m so thankful to “AM” who is my guardian angel! :) The weekdays have been super busy and weekends are for parents, friends and the likes. So, you get the drift, right? Life became very routine and boring BUT peaceful, nonetheless!

And then of course he came to the country. And just one mere sms from him, and I was a basketcase! Well, I think he may be engaged now! Said he was to be, at least. I don’t know! But I solemnly swear this would be the very last post that I mention the boy. And so please let me say all I want, just hear me rant! And then I will be done with it!

I was just thinking back to how it all started and if given a choice, I swear I would do the “chicken dance to you all over again”. Beats logic right? I was looking back at pictures on FB, on my laptop and in every pic, I looked so happy, smiling and contented. It was simple pleasures you gave me, yet you always managed to put a smile on my face! You always cracked me up and I had some of the best times with you and no matter how this thing ended, I definitely would want to do that again.

Here’s to US :)))

Starting with the chicken dance, our zillion road trips across the country, Sodexho days, our amazing friends who made life even more beautiful for us, me shopping endlessly at Bath & Body Works, you rolling your eyes at me to get out asap, BIG BEAR HUGS, throwing snow on each other, long drives in the Nissan and the Galant, pigging out at Ziggies at 3 am, driving through McD’s early morning, Cold Stone ice cream on a cold KC winter night, scary movies, life in MSU as students, graduation day, both of us jumping for joy when you got your big break at STL, the Haseltines, Olive, Gunner, Marley, Chloey, dancing at Zan for Jay Sean(even though you sucked! ok ok, I know you tried for my sake and that was super cute!), sushi in STL, walking in the Plaza at night, and then me holding onto you so tight the day I left coz I wasn’t sure what would happen....... This is for you.... It’s over, I promise. I will heal.

I'm so tired of being here

Suppressed by all my childish fears

And if you have to leave

I wish that you would just leave

'Cause your presence still lingers here

And it won't leave me alone

These wounds won't seem to heal

This pain is just too real

There's just too much that time cannot erase

When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears

When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears

And I held your hand through all of these years

But you still have

All of me

You used to captivate me

By your resonating life

Now I'm bound by the life you've left behind

Your face it haunts

My once pleasant dreams

Your voice it chased away

All the sanity in me

I've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone

But though you're still with me

I've been alone all along

- Courtsey "Evanescence – My Immortal"

I’ve never felt so lonely, afraid, unwanted, nervous, anxious, bitter, confused, torn before. It definitely doesn't help that I'm PMS'ing!! My emotions are all haywire. Could you love/hate someone so strongly at the same time? :(


Clement said...

Ohhhh...Ash!!!! I wish i could give u a big hug right now. but heres sending you a virtual one. Ive been thinking about u and im getting ready to call u right now.

Aishu said...

Clem!! I got your hug! :) It was awesome talking to you this weekend and I can't wait for the day when I get to see you again.... Miss ya brother!

Anonymous said...

i think its time for a post on a different note.....meaning.....one that talks about ur job and life back in the motherland. :)

Aishu said...

@anon - :) Sure, keep watching this space!

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